Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Floccinaucinihilipilification-The act of describing something as worthless.
Ex. 1741: William Shenstone, Letters,
I loved him for nothing so much as his flocci-nauci-nihili-pili-fication of money.

Taken from Wikipedia, I believe that is an accurate word for the title of bringing you all up to speed on whats happened in my life. I deem everything horrid that happened in my past/is happening in the present, as worthless.

This is not a blog to talk about how my life sucks and to just complain. While I will talk about how tough my life has been, it is meerly to give insite into the life of someone with serotonin problems.

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and I was informed that while I did not have full OCD, I'm merely missing the Compulsive part of that disorder. I will be using this blog somewhat to express myself and vent, but I will mostly try to keep myself in check from complaining to much, kay'?

I am currently in 10th grade, and am 15. Call me Stephanie, Steph, whatever. If anyone is offended with my use of the term 'insane' in my title, well, I'm sorry. I don't find it offending and I have many mental problems myself. I was thinking of using 'Insite into the mentally wrong', but what blog with a title like that would get read, eh? Now on with my introduction of myself I suppose.
Age 1-7:
I was born in Orange County, California. When I was young, I was constantly afraid of everything. I hated the dark, and the unknown. I cried often, and had a habit of opening my closet and shower curtin. I figured everyone went through this so I never explained myself to anyone. I had an overall fear of most things.
Age 9-11:
When in the car I would find it hard to breath occasionally. This usually only happened when the car was very warm. I started having minor panic attacks.
At summer camp in the summer leading into 7th grade, I had an anxiety attack. They speaker had been talking about needles, which had led to me feeling claustrophic, scared, and I felt like braking down and crying. I wouldn't let my friends touch me unless I saw their hands. At the time I had no idea what these were, and refered to them as panic attacks, and didn't understand the severity of them. I had only about 2 more of these in the 7th and 8th grade, but they increased severally once I got into 9th grade. I had started First Aid which had quiet a graphic book used to teach the lessons. Eventually my anxiety attack increased to about one every-other class.
My mother had becomed very concerned with my anxiety attacks, seeing as they would start to appear at very random times, with no mention of anything that used to set me off. She hinted at it to my new doctor, but they did not recomend a therapist. So my mom asked my old doctor, who gave my mom a therapist to see. I met my therapist for the first time, who sent me to a phsyciatrist to be diagnosed.
Age 15:
I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and put on Zoloft which is medication often used for OCD, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, ect. The starting dose was 12mg, a very very low dosage to get my body used to the medication. Right before the I had gotten the medication I had started to have suicidal thoughts. The thoughts continued even when the dosage of my medication was doubled to 24mg. I cried often for no reason, and found myself afraid to go home alone in fear that I would hurt myself. I was touchy on almost every subject, and went to my guidence counciler at school almost everyday. I told my theripst that I was sad constantly. She said Anxiety Disorder and depression usually go hand and hand. Finally my medication was then increased to 50mg. Slowly I found myself becoming less anxious and my suicidal thoughts went away.

If all of my problems seem to be solved, your probably wondering why I am posting this blog. My problems are not gone. Merely they are postponed untill I have the skills to deal with them and change them. This summer my phsyciarist wishes to get my off of my medication. The thought scares me and I feel like I'm holding onto my medication for dear life. I know how it felt before, and don't wish to go back, ever. I still get anxious. I still am depressed. And so I'm documenting my journey to fight against my own brains inability to make the correct amount hormones. And I'm showing the world that if I can get out of this, they can get out of what is going on in their lives.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Steph, I just want say, "hang in there."

    I can not say that I understand how you feel because my mental problems has not been openly diagnosed by doctors. But if it helps any, I will tell you my point of view life and what helps me bare the hard times.

    Life is short and you only have one. You might as well live it as long as you can and make your life story interesting. The harder the obstacle is, the more interesting your life story is. Kind of like a movie, no one wants a movie where nothing goes wrong, no enemys and no fight scenes. right?